Every few years (or months or days depending on who you are) we change drastically and recalibrate in terms of who we want to be and how we want to show up in the world.
Last year I woke up one day and realized that I am enough. Exactly as I am. I didn't care about doing something to change the world, me being who I was felt enough. If I was just that with everyone I met it would be enough. I realized that my aspirations and motivations until now came from a place of lack, a place of not being enough. Like I had to do something to have a place in the world, to be valuable, to see myself as valuable. I found myself questioning why I do anything and if what I do is valuable or fun for me anymore (most importantly)
And I realized it is not. In my perception, most things people learn is through life and their own experiences. So if I wasn't playing this role of a teacher, a facilitator or a healer, now that that was gone how did I want to show up?
As I went through the ego death of who I was I also did not know what the answer to that was.
When you're not clear yourself, other peoples judgements of what is okay to show up as and what is not start screaming even louder. It felt suffocating to go through my news feed. I quit Instagram. As if that was the answer. Like getting rid of the source of judgements was the answer. I did not ask a question.
For a while the absence of influence of the loudness of everyone else's reality was wonderful but then I found myself conflicted and fighting myself for when I did want to post something. I found my throat physically shut down before I posted anything. As if an expression of myself was a betrayal to the realities of everyone around me. Trying to fit myself in a box of what's acceptable, what is not. What can be well received and what won't.
And then I realized I don't even do this for people, I do it because of the pure joy of creative expression it gives me as a person, the freedom it gives me to be willing to be seen and show up as me. And on days that I don't want to its fine but why am I questioning myself when I do? Why am I letting peoples judgements drown out my voice? If they can receive it and it contributes their world in some way that's definitely a bonus but if they don't who gives a shit? I mean would I rather be right or would I rather be free? And hell it would break my heart to not be able see the posts of people who do show up authentically courageously and inspire me regularly.
So the next time this happened here's some tools I used:
1. I got clear on my reality again. I asked what is my reality and where is my reality with how I want to show up and who I want to show up as? A few times. Okay many many times. I mean I had allowed judgements to dominate me for a few months now :D
2. I had to consciously get on clear on am I not posting this because I'm afraid to be seen in this way as vulnerable, silly etc. or because posting this genuinely wouldn't create greater? (No it is not an overthinking but a presence with energies and can be very quick)
3. Am I receiving myself or am I posting this for approval or validation or to be received?
4. Is this block in my throat even mine? A few entity facilitations and a few times of returning it to the sender and boom my throat is physically open again.
And now I have space and freedom in my world to show up myself againnnnnn. Whatever that looks like in the moment. Until the next time judgements take over and I remind myself again.
Ps: Through the loudness of judgmental realities you also meet people who have such a level of energetic presence and non judgement in their world that it stays with you and facilitates you showing up as more of you unapologetically long after your interactions with them. Its a game changer in ways you don't expect. Ask for more of that! Let those be the ones you focus on <3