Updated: Apr 17, 2021
A large part of what I desire in life is having playmates. People I can create with, have great conversations with, have fun with. It’s also one of the things that I kept at bay for a long time and never fully admitted to myself. Cos lets face it. People are mean. They were mean when I was 10 cos I was the new kid, they were mean when I was 12 cos my hair was cut like a boy, they were mean when I was 15 cos I liked a boy, at 20 cos I thought differently. The times and the reasons are frankly endless. But in my head people became a source of rejection. So, my response to that was to reject them before they could reject me. Which meant I could never have as many playmates as I’d like and never have the joy of great conversations with whoever I’d like.
One of the things I learnt over the years is that our point of view creates our reality. Those very first instances of being bullied and excluded left me with various decisions and conclusions as far as people are concerned. So, when a situation would present itself, rather than seeing it for what it really was my natural response was to take it personally, feel rejected and small and respond to it exactly as I did back then. Tiny voices would go off in my head, ‘they won't like me’ or ‘people are awful’. Almost as if proving the rightness of the point of view I took on ages ago. Without realizing, that in attempt to be right about what I had decided, I was actually creating rejection and invalidation of myself and rejection of the people around me. This is how we create patterns.
How many of these little voices and past references do we have in our head that we are still trying to prove? What if being right about things isn't always in our best interest? Especially if the thing we are trying to be right about is working towards our own detriment? What if what happened was only valid for that situation only and didn’t have to apply for our whole entire lives?
I realized that I had a choice here. To continue to create rejection as my reality or choose something different. If I could go back to my tiny self and tell her what I know now, I would tell her, its okay that these people don’t want to play with you right now, who else can we find who would actually like to? Instead of creating a cycle of rejection and invalidation, of them or of myself I would tell myself just because someone doesn’t want to play with you it doesn’t mean that there is something wrong with you, this is just what they’re choosing right now. What if their choices have nothing to do with you or something you can control? What you can control though is how you feel about yourself and what you choose now. The sun doesn’t stop shining if you decide its terribly hot outside so I’ll just stay in today. It keeps shining for everyone else and will for you too the next day.
What if what goes on for someone else has nothing to do with us? What if their actions are a reflection of who they are, their judgements, their prejudices and who they would like to be every moment? I’m not saying that we have to be a doormat nor judge them for what they’re choosing. I’m simply saying we have the power to choose for ourselves, and that choice doesn’t have to be for or against anyone. What would it be like to finally stop the self invalidation and have greater kindness towards us and the people around us?