People have always been the catalyst for the most amount of pain and the most amount of change in my life. I love them and I hate them. It’s always been a bit of a war. Mostly with receiving myself. As I started to receive me better, I also let people in to a capacity which allowed for me to see parts and pieces of me that I had been hiding, suppressing and separating from. In the last few months the voices of shame, judgement, anger, resentment, invalidation, doubt, rejection, loneliness, fear have been especially loud, everything I felt like I’d managed to successfully not be at the effect of suddenly became all too real.
Being judgmental for example, I was having a conversation with a friend and we happened to talk about someone, and before I know it, we’re indulging in all the judgments we have about this person. But then I come back home and go into shame for having said those things. The next thing I know I’m starting to wonder if she would tell anyone else, I’m afraid the person we were talking about will find out, I wonder if I’m the reason we spoke about these things to begin with and if I may have poisoned her with all the judgments I had, guilt for having indulged in it, the next thing I know I go into where I don’t trust myself to keep quiet when I should, not every energy requires to be voiced, then follows the invalidation, the rejection and so on and so forth. Only to realize at the end of it all that I had no charge on those judgments anyway.
But the thing that we don’t acknowledge is how dynamically aware we are of the limitations of this reality and if we aren’t present enough how quickly we become not just the mouthpieces but also the upholders of these limitations. This reality only exists because we uphold these limitations, we indulge. It was designed to do that. If enough of us actively started to choose something different, we’d actually start to create the realities we desire. Those of ease, joy, glory, no separation.
Now from the thing that followed above I realized how dynamically I was fighting the elements of this reality and where they existed in me. I realized I was using the tools that I had as a way to fix myself, as if I’m wrong while avoiding dealing with the skeletons of everything I had rejected in me rather than where I had the choice to receive it all with no point of view.
In the past the awareness of the places I could be be ‘bad’ would lead to me shutting down, shutting away from the world and isolating myself for not meeting the standards I had put on me. This is what was the beginning of what created what we call depression in this reality. And possibly from my point of view what leads to schizophrenia and a lot of mental disorders. A serious conflict of realities.
It began when I was much younger when I didn’t have the tools to deal with it, so it would just be days and days of isolating myself. I thought being around people was hard work. What was actually hard work was seeing the things I had the capacity to be. Then I found tools that made it easier of and I started to get a handle on it, the duration of the periods of isolating myself became much shorter, what used to be 6 days out of a week went to maybe a week or 2 in an entire year. I had learnt to receive me better, have connections with people, thrive and engage with the world. I had mastered the art of not being at the effect of this reality while having successfully hidden away the shame of where I had in me the capacity to be everything I did not want to be, while constantly being insecure that everyone that would meet me would see these things and eventually leave. I’d hurt from the lack of connection I wouldn’t allow myself to have with people and hurt them where all they wanted was to care.
I felt burnt out. I was tired of fighting. I was tired of this self-inflicted loneliness that I felt incapable of changing. Tired of the pain of being limited. I had two choices I could have the love, validation and acceptance from being good and perfect or I could risk being alone, losing everyone and having me. I chose me. The good, the bad, the ugly and everything I didn’t want anyone to see. From here I feel free. From here I can be anything I want to be.